Video game characters, by and large, have been created to make war, not love. It should not surprise you to find that when they do decide to take some time out to look for love, they don’t employ the most nuanced approaches to seduction and romance. Highlighting this point is YouTube gaming humor channel The Warp Zone, whose latest entry in their “if video games had” series envisioned the terrifying world of inter-game Tinder dating.

In the video, Nintendo it-couple Mario and Princess Peach have broken up for whatever reason, and Peach has decided that she’s going to get back on the open market. She peruses a veritable who’s-who of gaming characters and, profile-by-profile, discovers that, even in video-game-land, most Tinder bros aren’t even worth talking to. Normally paragons of virtuous living —well, most of them— most of the guys’ introduce themselves with AO-rated pick-up lines.

“I suck in a good way,” said Castlevania: Symphony of the Night hero Alucard, “Swiping left would be a mis-stake.” (That’s one of the tame ones, by the way.)

At least some of them, like Final Fantasy X hero Tidus, use some preferred keep things civil with a thinly veiled “cutscenes and chill?”

Even when her suitors make don’t make her immediately groan in disgust, it doesn’t take much digging for Peach to find something… Let’s say “unbecoming,” about them.

While we’re on the topic, we should probably talk about Peach’s taste in men, here. Her two “favorite” guys were Solid Snake, who she was totally into until she saw his “old Snake” look from Metal Gear Solid 4, and Trevor from Grand Theft Auto V. To be fair, though, compared to Master Chief he’s positively chivalrous. (At least in this video.)

Despite all the “things I learned from video games” memes, it’s pretty clear these characters still have some growing up to do before they’re ready to become proper role-models, at least in the realm of online dating.